Today in Tedium: The holiday season is a great time to give people things we think they want, but what about the folks we want to give things we know they won’t? This is a question we’ve tackled annually over at Tedium HQ (which is really wherever I land that day with my Hackintosh, whether an Arby’s or a bus stop) since we started this thing way back in 2015. Each year, we do a gift guide designed for folks who generally don’t deserve gifts—though, secretly, it’s an excuse to look back on the year in Tedium. (That said, if you buy something from one of these links, we get a cut. Consider it a way of giving your friends at Tedium a gift, too.) Maybe you’ll learn something weird. Maybe you’ll buy something weird. It’s all the same to us. Anyway, enjoy the gift guide. — Ernie @ Tedium
Editor’s note: Looking for more ideas in the same vein? We recommend you check out our guides from 2017, 2016, and 2015. As anyone in the digital content game knows, there always plenty of sap in a good evergreen.
A lot of important things happened in 1994. For one, Weezer, Matt Damon’s favorite band, released its Leslie Jones-approved first album that year. And it was the year Netscape was founded, so that was something. But perhaps the most important thing happened in the pages of The New Yorker, when the department store chain Neiman Marcus published a small ad announcing that it was selling electronic gift cards. As I wrote in January, it was quietly groundbreaking (even if its history was somewhat forgotten), and created a world where people could stop feeling guilty about just offering an abstracted form of currency to their loved ones, rather than a gift they didn’t actually want. If you’re not sure where to go, get the gift of gift cards, and if you’re feeling extra Scroogy, get the gift of gift cards of defunct companies like Blockbuster. We won’t judge.
From the perspective of faded tech titans, we ended this year on a somewhat depressing note, what with Verizon’s slow recursion of the Yahoo/AOL buzzword salad that was Oath. And don’t get me started on what those jerks did to Tumblr. (Side note: I’ve heard rumblings that my theory that Verizon’s name was directly inspired by the band Vertical Horizon are true. If you work for Verizon and have any inside info, bug me.) But a good way to live the glory days of tech icons past is by reflecting on the internet of days past, which we did multiple times this year with our pieces on the community-driven Free-Net, and separately, the rise of “free” internet services like NetZero and Juno. You can still get online with NetZero and Juno, which means that if there’s a tech neophyte straggler in your family tree, you should buy them a modem to highlight how really behind the times they are. Tell them it’s fast.
Do you have an engineer on your list, or at the very least, someone who likes math? Is that person above things that require power or electricity to operate, and scoffs at the idea of batteries? Do they like knobs, switches, and dials? Are they into things that have interesting stories behind them, possibly around the time of World War II? Is money no object? If so, they might be a candidate for a Curta Calculator, a rare example of an object that never appears to lose its value on eBay. The mechanical device, which has a dramatic origin story, is an elaborate mechanical calculator with many fascinating elements to its functionality, and if you buy one on eBay, it costs about as much as an iPad Pro.
On the other end of the cost spectrum, there’s the disposable camera, an object that reflects a time when photography was becoming more accessible, but still wasn’t, say, in the realm of Instagram. As I pointed out in August, the term “disposable” was largely a misnomer by the time the device truly went mainstream—Kodak and Fuji had gotten quite good at recycling the cameras they sold to consumers—but the devices still have a certain appeal to them, making them a decent throwback gift. Anything to discourage Kodak from the blockchain.
No ceremony is complete without a roll of ribbon and a gigantic pair of scissors. Back in May, I highlighted the somewhat hazy history of the ribbon-cutting ceremony, focusing specifically on the fact that there’s little documentation that pinpoints when the phenomenon actually started. (My best educated guess: It was transferred from boat christenings.) I specifically give a shout-out to the excellent Golden Openings for their role in making ribbon cuttings an important phenomenon, but if you’re in a pinch and need giant scissors and a ribbon with two-day shipping, there’s always Amazon. (Sadly, the scissors are only available in one size.) If you’re seriously using this as a gift guide, you probably need the help.
Don’t be fooled by the case and the odd structure of the device above: It’s not a weird vape pen you’ve never run into before. No, it’s a reusable straw. The issues of waste that have led the fate of the plastic straw to remain a Tedium mainstay two years in a row—the update we did in July was necessary because after we first got to it, the issue had gotten shockingly divisive—also have led to innovations in reusable straw design that have made the objects more potentially useful in the long run. Which means that there are plenty of straw-