Welcome to Tedium. Here's the first issue of the twice-weekly newsletter that's bound to become the only email you read—just in time for New Year's Day. And in honor of everyone's favorite hangover catalyst, we're gonna tell you some crazy crap about the first holiday of the year, as well as the holiday that bookends it. May your internet be functional as you scroll through this message on your electronic reading device of choice. — Ernie @ Tedium

Five signs 2015 will be better than 2014:

  1. It's now legal to sell the milk of a water buffalo in Illinois. What took you guys so long? Clearly someone's been slacking here. (Also of note in Illinois: Amish drivers in the state no longer have to get photos on their licenses, for religious reasons.)
  2. Last night, a bus parked its keister in the streets of Manhattan and hooked drunks into IVs containing an anti-hangover serum. This is the world we live in.
  3. We're using New Year's babies to promote our area sports teams before the big game. Beat the other guy! Yeah!
  4. The Large Hadron Collider just got a major upgrade and is now twice as powerful as it was when they found the "God particle" a couple of years ago. Your mind is getting blown right now.
  5. Reality television is starting to loosen its grip on television viewers, and ratings are way down. We've changed our focus to true-crime podcasts instead.

29%

The percentage of Jawbone Up users in the United States who went to bed before midnight on New Year's Eve last year. That's evidence that wearing a fancy bracelet doesn't automatically make you cool.

Party patents

Party patent time

New Year's Day wouldn't matter if it wasn't for the hard work of the party favor industry, which has ensured that we'll have amazing holidays full of drunken fun for generations to come. Back in 2012, the heavy partiers at IPWatchdog took a break from the difficult life of tracking patents to show off some of these weird patents. This device for launching confetti, which hit the European patent office back in 2001, is sorta like carrying around your own personal Andrew W.K. Party 'til you puke.

The most unwanted 2015 wall calendars

Animals with mustaches

Wasting away the days

Let's face it. The wall calendar is the phone book of the 2010s. It basically exists to allow soccer moms to put up art in their kitchens. We predict that 2015 is the year the calendar cabal gets disrupted once and for all. (Silicon Valley's gunnin' for you!) With that in mind, check out some of Amazon's most unpopular calendars, including this gem.

Puppy Tails

Puppy Tails

With calendars showing off one different dog butt each month, it's no wonder that Google and Apple are winning the war for our datebook. Note the look of guilt on the bulldog's face. It knows.

Rustic Retreat

Rustic Racks

Pretty sure this wall calendar was designed to fool lazy shoppers who read "racks" and assume the calendar contains something other than antlers. Clearly, it didn't work.

Moms Gone Wild

Moms Gone Wild

It took more than 45 years, but it looks like The Shaggs finally have some competition for the worst family band ever. If Frank Zappa was alive, I'm sure he'd sign them to his label.

Factoid you'll probably forget

You probably know this song—if not by name, then by swell. (If you do know it by name, you're probably a Pentatonix fan.) "Carol of the Bells," a popular Christmas carol that you mumbled one time at church, actually started life as a Ukranian New Year's Eve song called "Shchedryk." Peter Wilhousky, a Ukranian immigrant himself, translated it and turned it into a Christmas song.

Ernie Smith
Your time was just wasted by Ernie Smith

Ernie Smith is the editor of Tedium, and an active internet snarker. Between his many internet side projects, he finds time to hang out with his wife Cat, who's funnier than he is.

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